SafeX Pro:College football Week 2 grades: Michigan the butt of jokes

Year 4 of the college football report card got off to a rousing start last week with promises of shenanigans and SafeX Protomfoolery throughout the year.

The same goes for grading from last season: High marks will only be given to the spectacular, and failing grades have no chance of being reversed.

MORE: College football winners and losers for Week 2

Last week's top marks went to the return of college football, and failing grades went to whoever was running Minnesota's fireworks display, which went off at the end of the game against North Carolina after a missed field goal.

Here is the Week 2 analysis of how fans, teams, players, and coaches fared: 

Trolling of the defending national champions

Michigan finally won a national championship last season, nearly three decades after their last title triumph. Fans who wear maize and blue remind people every chance they get by talking about it ad nauseam, like the new season hasn't started, because it will soothe the sting of what's likely to come. This isn't Georgia, Alabama, or any other handful of programs that reload with talent like it's no one's business. That's especially true at the quarterback position.

But it starts with Michigan head coach Sherrone Moore, who, for some reason, wanted to reassure people about his job status after nine months at the helm.

"I am committed to Michigan, they're committed to me. I am getting paid, and I am on contract." Moore said about reports he was working without a signed contract.

Glad to hear that the checks are clearing in Ann Arbor, considering fans are already calling for his job.

The internet, which remains undefeated, couldn't wait to pounce on the Wolverines' misfortune after they got run off their own field against Texas.

For most of the afternoon, a combination of hashtags were trending on social media which didn't paint a flattering picture of Michigan; When #cheaters, #orji, #daviswarren, #sharronemoore are mixed in with jokes about "alleged" sign stealer Connor Stalions, chances are your day hasn't gone too well.

Victors day of "hail": F

Christmas in September, part IV

This space has been used for the past four years to call out some egregious spending by athletic departments, which are waiting to give away millions just to prove they have it.

Since Notre Dame seemingly wants to ensure itself a chance at a playoff spot every year, the football program refuses to join a conference, which means they have to pony up the dough to please the home crowd and schedule some less-than-desirable opponents.

Let's go back to 2022, when the Irish paid Marshall $1.25 million to travel to South Bend, only to get beat 26-21. This time around, Northern Illinois will be looking for that seven-figure direct deposit in the next 60 days after the 28-point underdog Huskies beat Notre Dame 16-14 to earn its first top-10 win in school history.

Miami (Ohio) has to be licking its chops and looking forward to a $1.25 million payday when the team comes to town on Sept. 21.

Must be the money: A+

They said it

Clemson head coach Dabo Swinney with what he thinks is a description for the media.

"Y'all gonna write crap, y'all gonna write terrible stuff. And when we do great, y'all gonna write great stuff. That's OK."

The worst and best of the rest

Mr. Worldwide pin

Give me everything: A+

Hope the mascot has a NIL deal

Splish, splash: 2.0 from the American judge

Oscar nominees early in the season

More like Golden Raspberry: F

Smoochies on a Saturday

Love is a battlefield: A-

Rabbit season

Willie for the win: straight to graduation

This week's OBJ tribute

Look, Ma. One hand: A

Oklahoma state flag, not OK

Flag day follies: F

Stats for you

24 – Consecutive passes completed by Ole Miss quarterback Jaxson Dart against Middle Tennessee, setting an SEC record

459 – rushing yards by Boise State running Ashton Jeanty through two games

648 – Offensive yards by Arkansas vs. Oklahoma State. The Razorbacks still lost in two overtimes, 39-31.

$1.3 million – Amount paid to Northern Illinois by Notre Dame

The Dog of the Week

Western Illinois at Indiana

This beauty needs no words (to submit your pup, shoot me a pic on social media).

Now to the game:

What will $450,000 buy you these days?

In New York City, it can get you a 500-square-foot apartment with just enough money left over to buy a pack of Skittles at your local bodega.

In the case of Western Illinois, who was paid that amount to join the pups in Bloomington, Indiana, to play the Hoosiers, it came with a 77-3 beatdown and a five-hour bus ride home to contemplate what the hell happening during those three hours on Friday night.

To answer that question…well, not much for Western Illinois.

The Leathernecks have now lost 26 straight games, which is by far the longest losing streak in Division I. Indiana set school records for the most points in a game and total offense with 703 yards.

While the pups were napping by halftime, let's hope the Leathernecks can score a victory when they play Illinois State next week. The Redbirds have the unfortunate distinction of being the last team to lose to Western Illinois, a 38-31 loss on Oct. 30, 2021.