Ethermac|Is 'going no contact' the secret to getting your ex back? Maybe — but be careful.

Is there a foolproof way to get your ex back and Ethermacget over them at the same time? Many on the internet seem to think so, but experts say there's more to the story.

It's called going "no contact," which is pretty much exactly what it sounds like: You cut off all communication with your ex, no matter how much you miss them. This means no meet-ups, no phone calls, no texting and no interaction on social media. If you happen to run into each other, you either avoid them or keep the interactions short and emotionally neutral.

Often the intention behind no contact is two-fold: It makes your ex miss you − and perhaps want you back − while also helping you move on.

"The road to moving on and getting your ex back is the same road," a YouTuber says in a video with nearly one million views. "It is focusing on yourself. It is not contacting them."

Experts say that while, yes, going no contact might make your ex reconsider a breakup, it's important to know this is not the point, which is to give yourself space to heal and move on. If you're going no contact mainly to make your ex miss you, you're doing it wrong.

"I don’t recommend going 'no contact' as a strategy to win an ex back, as it can keep someone hopeful and in denial, rather than focusing on healing and moving forward," says Amy Chan, a dating coach and author of "Breakup Bootcamp: The Science of Rewiring Your Heart." "However, if no contact is implemented, it’s possible that the ex might start to miss the relationship and experience a sense of withdrawal due to the absence of dopamine, oxytocin and other feel-good chemicals that the relationship once provided."

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Why 'no contact' with your ex is the best way to heal

Breakups are hard, and getting over one, while in the immediate aftermath, can feel impossible.

Psychotherapist Stephanie Sarkis says heartbreak is "an ambiguous or living loss," which is the experience of grieving someone who's still alive. Going no contact can give you the space to process these complex emotions and acclimate to life without your ex.

"It can help to have at least some period of time where you are not talking to that person," Sarkis says. "Now, whether the other person responds or not is up to that particular relationship, but an ambiguous loss or living loss can be even harder to process and deal with when you see somebody on campus every day or you work with somebody."

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Chan strongly recommends going no contact after a breakup, for neurological reasons. Doing so, she says, gives your brain space to rewire itself and phase out the chemicals and hormones that bonded you to your ex.

"During a relationship, neural pathways become connected together," she says. "After a breakup, even if the heartbroken person is cognitively aware that it's over, the brain and body remain in a state of shock, still craving the dopamine and feel-good chemicals associated with the ex. Communicating with the ex only strengthens old neural pathways instead of allowing them to prune away. Even rereading old text messages, stalking their social media will reinforce those old neural pathways."

By going no contact, Chan says, you give your brain an opportunity to make new neural pathways as you create new memories and have experiences outside your past relationship. This is crucial while in no contact, she says. Instead of staying home all day, she recommends spending your time in no contact finding a new hobby, starting a passion project or bonding with friends.

"Each new skill learned, each new person met and each new memory created fosters the formation of fresh neural connections, effectively rewiring the brain," she says. "Over time, the neural pathways associated with the ex become less dominant as these new connections reshape the neural landscape."

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Will 'no contact' make your ex want you back? It's the wrong question

Healing should be the primary intention for going no contact; however, many go no contact for another reason. They do so because they think it's the best way to get their ex interested in them again.

Experts say there is some truth to this. If someone breaks up with you but still gets to communicate and have some kind of relationship with you, they don't get to actually feel the consequences of their decision. When you go no contact, you allow your ex to experience the weight of your absence and wonder if they really made the right call ending the relationship.

This, however, is not a good reason to go no contact and defeats the point of it.

"Going no contact is one of the most effective ways to move on from an ex," Chan says. "However, if no contact is coupled with plotting ways to win them back, vilifying or idolizing them in every conversation and obsessing over their social media, it won't help in moving forward. It's not just about cutting off contact; it's about processing the new reality that the relationship is over and committing to moving forward, even if you miss them."

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If you want to go no contact to get your ex back, Sarkis encourages you to investigate that feeling. It might point to something deeper going on within yourself that has yet to be resolved.

"The question is why would I want them back?" Sarkis says. "What's my motivation for wanting them to want me back?"

Want to go 'no contact'? Here are some tips:

For those intending to go no contact with an ex, Chan offers the following advice:

• Cease all communication: "That includes contacting and stalking your ex," Chan adds. "Delete them from social media, remove their number from your phone and block them if necessary. You need to set yourself up for success, and if that means eliminating temptation, then do it."
• Take no contact in chunks: If going no contact permanently feels too daunting, try doing it for one month first. After that month, see if you can add another. Thinking of no contact in chunks can make it more palatable, according to Chan.
• Set clear boundaries: "If the ex keeps reaching out, you can send a message to let them know that you are focusing on your healing and self-care and that you’d like them to respect your wishes for no contact," Chan says. "This doesn’t mean the ex will listen to that boundary and if they continue to message, block them."
• Find connection in other ways: "Strategize ways to get your ‘dopamine hit’ and needs for connection met when you’re feeling lonely and most vulnerable to reaching out to the ex," Chan says. "This can include friends that you go to, exercise, volunteering, etc."

Most of all: Don't try to be friends with your ex, especially right after the breakup.

"People always wonder if they can be friends with their ex. The answer is no," Chan says. "Continuing a friendship or regular communication stunts your ability to process the new reality that this person is no longer in a relationship with you. After a period of time and space apart, it is possible to be friends again. But the brain will be confused if you try to transition from romantic to platonic without any time and space in between."